Tivo and the Impatient Toddler
A suggestion, for all those out there that have Tivo and children. Don't ever, ever, ever use the pausing and the rewinding / fast forwarding of live TV in front of your child lest you doom yourself to an eternity of watching the same segment over and over and over.
Allow me to explain. We have a Tivo and we have a toddler. Toddlers are, as a rule, devoid of any patience whatsoever. Were you to try to quantify exactly how little patience toddlers have, you would plumb the depths of negative numbers, quite possible discovering the most negativist number that ever lived. It would be treated as a god, and other negative numbers would pray to its image and get time off in December to celebrate its birth. Tivo, for all of the wonderful things it can do, does nothing to help develop patience in any tv watching being.
We restrict Ben's TV watching to Noggin (Nickelodeon's pre-school network), Playhouse Disney and Jack Hanna's Animal Adventures. The first two are because they're age appropriate and other than the fact that each show is a massive commercial for the various pre-school toy and activity juggernauts, there are no commercials. The last one is because a) he likes animals, b) Sunday morning's at 7 there's nothing on and c) I think that Kathaleen Hanna is hot and would like to elope with her to the Galapagos where we'll study turtles into our golden years. Note, she is not to be confused with Kathleen Hanna, the lead singer of Bikini Kill. I don't think she wants anything to do with me or turtles.
As a result of his exposure to Playhouse Disney, Ben has taken a liking to The Wiggles. I think it's a rule that if you're under the age of 5, you have to like The Wiggles or they come and poke you with sticks until you relent. The Wiggles are 4 Australian guys who sing songs about various things like cars, hot potatoes, octopi and their sea-faring companion, Captain Feathersword. The fact that I find myself not only knowing who Captain Feathersword is, but knowing full well that he has nothing to do with anything even remotely pornographic tinges my being with sadness. Anyway, along with the singing, they do little skits and play games such as "Where's Jeff". Jeff is the shortest member of The Wiggles, and appears to be narcoleptic. In every episode, the children of the audience are called apon to rouse Jeff from his stupor. Sure, it's fun and all, but someone should really get him some help.
These skits are all fine and dandy, but my son takes after his father, and as such, needs to get his groove on, lest his booty become unshakeable from lack of use. This is where the Tivo comes in. Ben has learned that when we press a button on the remote, he even knows which remote it is, we can skip the skits and get right to the music. Without fail, as soon as one song ends, he's saying "More Wiggles, more Wiggles" until the songs come back. He can't be bargained with. He can't be reasoned with. He doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And he absolutely will not stop, ever, until he is dancing.
Ben also thinks that we have the ability to control what is on the TV, as illustrated by him handing us the remote and saying things like "Elephant" and "Lion". Oh, the fun we'd have if I did have that power. Although, I can guarantee that it wouldn't be elephants and lions we'd be watching. Between the Tivo, the VCR and the DVD player, you would think that we could, on a moment's notice, provide the boy with whatever he wanted to watch, whenever he wanted it, however we have yet to go down that road to lunacy. I guess we're just bad parents. He's not yet at the age where I can explain to him that in my day, you had to watch whatever was on, and God help you if you got up to use the bathroom during a good part. If you missed the musical extravaganza that is "Big Red Car", well, tough noogies. Maybe you'd get lucky and they'd show it another time, but most likely, you missed it and tomorrow at school you'd take your place with the other freaks and losers who missed it, forever being spurned by those with larger bladders or more flexible views on personal hygeine.
That being said, not only did I buy him a Wiggles DVD for his stocking, but for Christmas, I also bought him a Wiggles Accordion, which plays 8 complete Wiggles songs. God help us. In my defense, watching him dance is hilarious, and his Grandpa plays the accordion, so I thought Grandpa would get a kick out of it. Plus, Jeff Wiggle plays the accordion, and I'm hoping some of his narcolepsy rubs off.
Allow me to explain. We have a Tivo and we have a toddler. Toddlers are, as a rule, devoid of any patience whatsoever. Were you to try to quantify exactly how little patience toddlers have, you would plumb the depths of negative numbers, quite possible discovering the most negativist number that ever lived. It would be treated as a god, and other negative numbers would pray to its image and get time off in December to celebrate its birth. Tivo, for all of the wonderful things it can do, does nothing to help develop patience in any tv watching being.
We restrict Ben's TV watching to Noggin (Nickelodeon's pre-school network), Playhouse Disney and Jack Hanna's Animal Adventures. The first two are because they're age appropriate and other than the fact that each show is a massive commercial for the various pre-school toy and activity juggernauts, there are no commercials. The last one is because a) he likes animals, b) Sunday morning's at 7 there's nothing on and c) I think that Kathaleen Hanna is hot and would like to elope with her to the Galapagos where we'll study turtles into our golden years. Note, she is not to be confused with Kathleen Hanna, the lead singer of Bikini Kill. I don't think she wants anything to do with me or turtles.
As a result of his exposure to Playhouse Disney, Ben has taken a liking to The Wiggles. I think it's a rule that if you're under the age of 5, you have to like The Wiggles or they come and poke you with sticks until you relent. The Wiggles are 4 Australian guys who sing songs about various things like cars, hot potatoes, octopi and their sea-faring companion, Captain Feathersword. The fact that I find myself not only knowing who Captain Feathersword is, but knowing full well that he has nothing to do with anything even remotely pornographic tinges my being with sadness. Anyway, along with the singing, they do little skits and play games such as "Where's Jeff". Jeff is the shortest member of The Wiggles, and appears to be narcoleptic. In every episode, the children of the audience are called apon to rouse Jeff from his stupor. Sure, it's fun and all, but someone should really get him some help.
These skits are all fine and dandy, but my son takes after his father, and as such, needs to get his groove on, lest his booty become unshakeable from lack of use. This is where the Tivo comes in. Ben has learned that when we press a button on the remote, he even knows which remote it is, we can skip the skits and get right to the music. Without fail, as soon as one song ends, he's saying "More Wiggles, more Wiggles" until the songs come back. He can't be bargained with. He can't be reasoned with. He doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And he absolutely will not stop, ever, until he is dancing.
Ben also thinks that we have the ability to control what is on the TV, as illustrated by him handing us the remote and saying things like "Elephant" and "Lion". Oh, the fun we'd have if I did have that power. Although, I can guarantee that it wouldn't be elephants and lions we'd be watching. Between the Tivo, the VCR and the DVD player, you would think that we could, on a moment's notice, provide the boy with whatever he wanted to watch, whenever he wanted it, however we have yet to go down that road to lunacy. I guess we're just bad parents. He's not yet at the age where I can explain to him that in my day, you had to watch whatever was on, and God help you if you got up to use the bathroom during a good part. If you missed the musical extravaganza that is "Big Red Car", well, tough noogies. Maybe you'd get lucky and they'd show it another time, but most likely, you missed it and tomorrow at school you'd take your place with the other freaks and losers who missed it, forever being spurned by those with larger bladders or more flexible views on personal hygeine.
That being said, not only did I buy him a Wiggles DVD for his stocking, but for Christmas, I also bought him a Wiggles Accordion, which plays 8 complete Wiggles songs. God help us. In my defense, watching him dance is hilarious, and his Grandpa plays the accordion, so I thought Grandpa would get a kick out of it. Plus, Jeff Wiggle plays the accordion, and I'm hoping some of his narcolepsy rubs off.
posted by Brandon at
7:23 AM
